Flattery, the Sincerest Form of Lying

I was reading in James 3 today about bridling the tongue. Normally when I read/hear/think 'bridling the tongue,' the first thing that comes to mind is no gossiping, no lying, no criticism. I almost glossed over and kept reading but then decided to take a look at my footnotes. I have a Life Application Study Bible and often times the authors of this footnote commentary have some deeper insights into scripture than what you learn in Sunday School. The note for James 3:2-3 reads:

"What you say and what you don't say are both important. Proper speech is not only saying the right words at the right time, but it is also controlling your desire to say what you shouldn't. Examples of an unbridled tongue include gossiping, putting others down, bragging, manipulating, false teaching, exaggerating, complaining, flattering, and lying. Before you speak ask, "Is what I want to say true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?"

Now, most of this list told me things I already knew, I liked the part about its not only what you do say, it's what you don't say; I certainly don't think enough before I speak. But what piqued my interest the most was the inclusion of flattery in the list of an unbridled tongue. What could this mean? isn't flattery a good thing? isn't it good to tell people they are good at something? Well, let's first take a look at the definition of flattery.

Merriam and Webster define Flattery as:

"Insincere or excessive praise."

Let's think for a minute about some examples of this. I have found that often times, upon expressing that I am not good at something or don't look good in some way, people (mostly girls it seems) are quick to assure me that I'm not that bad at it or that it actually looks pretty good on me. Of course immediately that consoles me (especially when it's a girl) and I feel better; I have received sympathy. The problem is when that assurance is insincere and untrue.

How often do we rush in, probably with good motives, to make sure someone who is upset about themselves leaves the situation with a high self esteem? It's certainly easy to do, after all, as Christians aren't we supposed to love one another and be kind? Well, yes. But truthfully. I have found that many times in my own life, I have truly been bad at something and said so only to have people assure me that I am actually pretty good. In the event that I am, well good, my self esteem has risen, people truthfully told me that I am not terrible at it and life is better. But, in the event that I am indeed quite pitiful at it, any flattering will only serve to make me think I am good at something when in reality I am not. This inevitably sets people up to fall even harder when they attempt their newly fond 'talent' in front of a not so loving, albeit insincere, audience. In light of this, I must conclude that it is wrong to falsely improve someone's opinion of themselves. Certainly this doesn't mean that you should bash people when they don't perform, look, or act well. It, instead, requires that the truth be spoken with grace. Perhaps today isn't their day, maybe they should try something else. Focus on positives, but make sure they are true.

There is absolutely nothing worse than to have people tell you you are good at something when you are not, for when it comes to time to test it their will likely be people who disagree and would love nothing more than to let you know it. So, I exhort each of you to do your best to not inflate the truth, to not throw the truth out and create a lie, but to speak the truth to people, with grace, even when it might not be just what they want to hear. I especially beseech girls in this. I feel that due to your more tenderhearted and compassionate nature you feel the need to make sure everyone feels loved at all times, but question your motives and question your practices; you ultimately won't help anyone by lying to them.

Thanks for reading, if you persevered this far, you deserve special congratulations because this was a long post, but i trust that if you did, God will use it to make a difference in your life. If you have any comments or disagreements, let me know, I'm certainly not infallible.

P.S. Flattery, of course, also includes the buttering up of people in order to get your way, which springs from selfish motives, or to sweet talk your way into or out of things. So, don't do those either! Basically flattering comes down to lying, which certainly counts as an unbridled tongue, and almost always sprouts from selfish motives, so check your motives regularly!